Parents sometimes themselves become a cause of friction between siblings
'She's nothing like Maria!I don't know who she's taken to!' were the words of Maha's mother who was once again comparing Maha with her elder sister. While Maria was responsible, intelligent and outgoing, Maryam was careless, reserved and lost in her own world. The two undoubtedly had their own unique personalities but the contrast was too troubling for their family who unconsciously had started making regular mention of it on a daily basis.
Such situations are common spectacles in our households where siblings are very openly and insensitively discussed and compared with each other and what's worse, it is done in their very presence. While parents may think it is totally harmless and the kids dont have a clue of what they are talking about, kids consciously or unconsciously take influence from such discussions. Those admired feel more confident as well as burdened with expectations while those condemned/criticized further envelop in their cocoons, their confidence reducing even more, their self respect falling down, anger and frustration boiling inside them.
Another major downside of this scenario is the creation of animosity amongst siblings, who start eyeing each other as rivals or enemies, each regarding the other as the cause of trouble in her life. The responsible one blames the other for all the extra work she may have to do because of her carelessness while the careless one may blame the other for being too goody-two-shoes, trying to be mama's sweet heart. Moreover, if parents are adamant on raising clones, hardly anything the slow one would do will succeed to impress them for they would always compare it with the smart kid, who might have done it better or earlier at his stage.
Achievements of one lurk like a shadow over the other's head who unsuccessfully seeks to step out of it and stand in her own light. Be it school or home, either one is given example of his/her sibling to perform or improve like her. I remember how a friend's brother hated her for acing her exams for, he, a year younger to her, had to bear the brunt of it all, teachers one after the other saying, ' Your sister used to be so brilliant, what is wrong with you?'
What is considered as a way or encouraging or motivating becomes a reason for grudge and anger and what could become an extraordinary relationship becomes a raging battle of the nerves. Many avoid going to the same place together for fear that he wouldnt be able to make his mark with the persona and popularity of the other dominating the room. And it becomes worse if one is lesser 'good looking' than the other (by society's silly standards!)
I have some similar issues with two of my daughters, the younger one mostly less in demand, the eldest one basking in the attention being showered upon her by her cousins and friends. I dont blame her for she,being the eldest is used to being the centre of attention but I do try to sensitize her about her sister, encouraging her to include the little one in group activities and play. At times it works, at times it doesnt but I continue my job, drop by drop hoping for and witnessing results. At times I tell them stories about brothers and sisters who hush off the other because she is too young to play that particular game but then learns how wrong he was to do that. Thank God for this tender age as at this time they are avid listeners and absorb whatever you want them to learn.
Also sometimes I only take the younger one to a cousins or friends place so that she can have her own space to explore and discover life without having to constantly compete for attention in a battle where the odds are naturally not in her favour. This actually helps as when I took my younger one for her school interview, I saw a new side of her. Gone was the shy, timid Maryam and there was the confident, friendly little girl who had no issue in interacting with the head mistress and comfortably talked with her. Although our reason to send her to a different school is something else, but it has given her that space and air to bloom and blossom independently, without comparisons, at her own pace, in her own way.
Im seeing improvement already. Both are learning to love and share with each other, respect each other for their strengths and feel happy for each other (I think that is most important) We have consciously started making effort to appreciate them when they play together and share. We try not to give them examples of each other to motivate them but compare their behaviour with their own at a past moment. However, I think I still need to work harder on assuring them that they are not in a competition but are partners in a team and while other people may come and go, they wont find such lasting friendship elsewhere.,,,,,
'She's nothing like Maria!I don't know who she's taken to!' were the words of Maha's mother who was once again comparing Maha with her elder sister. While Maria was responsible, intelligent and outgoing, Maryam was careless, reserved and lost in her own world. The two undoubtedly had their own unique personalities but the contrast was too troubling for their family who unconsciously had started making regular mention of it on a daily basis.
Such situations are common spectacles in our households where siblings are very openly and insensitively discussed and compared with each other and what's worse, it is done in their very presence. While parents may think it is totally harmless and the kids dont have a clue of what they are talking about, kids consciously or unconsciously take influence from such discussions. Those admired feel more confident as well as burdened with expectations while those condemned/criticized further envelop in their cocoons, their confidence reducing even more, their self respect falling down, anger and frustration boiling inside them.
Another major downside of this scenario is the creation of animosity amongst siblings, who start eyeing each other as rivals or enemies, each regarding the other as the cause of trouble in her life. The responsible one blames the other for all the extra work she may have to do because of her carelessness while the careless one may blame the other for being too goody-two-shoes, trying to be mama's sweet heart. Moreover, if parents are adamant on raising clones, hardly anything the slow one would do will succeed to impress them for they would always compare it with the smart kid, who might have done it better or earlier at his stage.
Achievements of one lurk like a shadow over the other's head who unsuccessfully seeks to step out of it and stand in her own light. Be it school or home, either one is given example of his/her sibling to perform or improve like her. I remember how a friend's brother hated her for acing her exams for, he, a year younger to her, had to bear the brunt of it all, teachers one after the other saying, ' Your sister used to be so brilliant, what is wrong with you?'
What is considered as a way or encouraging or motivating becomes a reason for grudge and anger and what could become an extraordinary relationship becomes a raging battle of the nerves. Many avoid going to the same place together for fear that he wouldnt be able to make his mark with the persona and popularity of the other dominating the room. And it becomes worse if one is lesser 'good looking' than the other (by society's silly standards!)
I have some similar issues with two of my daughters, the younger one mostly less in demand, the eldest one basking in the attention being showered upon her by her cousins and friends. I dont blame her for she,being the eldest is used to being the centre of attention but I do try to sensitize her about her sister, encouraging her to include the little one in group activities and play. At times it works, at times it doesnt but I continue my job, drop by drop hoping for and witnessing results. At times I tell them stories about brothers and sisters who hush off the other because she is too young to play that particular game but then learns how wrong he was to do that. Thank God for this tender age as at this time they are avid listeners and absorb whatever you want them to learn.
Also sometimes I only take the younger one to a cousins or friends place so that she can have her own space to explore and discover life without having to constantly compete for attention in a battle where the odds are naturally not in her favour. This actually helps as when I took my younger one for her school interview, I saw a new side of her. Gone was the shy, timid Maryam and there was the confident, friendly little girl who had no issue in interacting with the head mistress and comfortably talked with her. Although our reason to send her to a different school is something else, but it has given her that space and air to bloom and blossom independently, without comparisons, at her own pace, in her own way.
Im seeing improvement already. Both are learning to love and share with each other, respect each other for their strengths and feel happy for each other (I think that is most important) We have consciously started making effort to appreciate them when they play together and share. We try not to give them examples of each other to motivate them but compare their behaviour with their own at a past moment. However, I think I still need to work harder on assuring them that they are not in a competition but are partners in a team and while other people may come and go, they wont find such lasting friendship elsewhere.,,,,,
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