Giving Liberates You!

Giving, if done the right way, can liberate you in ways beyond your imagination!

I still remember that scene at my uncles wedding. He, as the groom was receiving congratulations from the guests while his brother was opening every envelope and making notes of the 'salami' that had been handed over. I found it quite strange. Why make of list of who gave how much? Seemed quite awkward, especially for the guests, as it seemed like a headmaster was compiling their result right before their eyes, who got the highest and who got the lowest! The point, I later understood was to know how much did everyone give so that they could be returned the favour likewise, neither too high not too low than the amount received. 

Giving and receiving when calculated with such precision tends to lose its essence. If you start off with the intention to receive, if the motive behind giving is the return that may or should follow, it becomes an investment, a selfish act, that is meant to pay back and leads to frustration, disappointment  and even bitterness when the return doesn't come.

Same is the case with other forms of giving. If you give someone a compliment with the intention to receive one, you will not be as openhearted and generous with your praise as you would be without the desire of reciprocation. Many a times I have seen women hold back their praise for each other because they dont find in themselves the magnanimity of heart to do so. They dwell into all kinds of thoughts, grudges and insecurity that doesnt allow them to feel free and say what they truly feel, even if it means admiring someone they dont approve of otherwise. Many people feel jealous of each other and that jealousy holds them back from praising each others strengths and accomplishments. At times, people in the same house dont give help to each other because they know for a fact that the other one wont help them in their time of need. Sometimes it gets so bad that people dont even bother giving a smile to others, why waste muscles on someone who is an acclaimed snob! Not as if she will smile back at me!

Sometimes you need people in your life to believe in you, encourage you, give you confidence and when they dont do it, not only do you start doubting your own self, you close your 'doors of giving' for them. Just for revenges sake, you dont give them the encouragement, praise, faith that they may deserve and thus, you become imprisoned in your own need for receiving that holds you back from giving.

However, in the true sense, giving liberates you. When you give without the demand and expectation of any return, you are like a free bird, your wings wide open, your flight sky high, not a bit to hold you back. You set off on the journey of giving, giving encouragement, praise, love, help, smile, charity, comfort, support. You are above and beyond the calculations of the profit-loss statement, for you it is all profit as long as you are on the giving end. You enter a room and you have a good thing to say to 'everyone'! From the host to the maid, everyone is eager to greet you because they know here is one person who will make me feel good about myself. You meet the host and compliment her on arranging a wonderful event even though it may be a humble effort. You greet the old lady and are amazed by how fresh and healthy she looks.( She cant stop smiling for hours!) You see your distant uncle and admire him for his philanthropist engagements. You see that colleague who considers you a threat but still go and give her a smile and greetings. And you don't forget to greet the kids and insist that you want a picture with them fancy lot around you! Suddenly the atmosphere is positive, everyone is happy, everyone feels good about himself and you have programmed yourself to do all this because there is no better way to be and you secretly hope and pray that with time it becomes effortless for you, like a part of your nature, of you! You dont like remembering who praised you or your clothes or bag, you dont want to keep record of who brought which gifts or who wished you on your birthday or eid. You become a giver, a true giver, who gives to everyone who crosses her path, who knows no other way to live or to be, who has something for everyone and who is so busy giving that she has no time to bother, worry or crib about returns. Merely thinking about it gives a wonderful sense of liberation and power, I wonder how would it be to actually experience it!


But the million dollar question is how does one become like this? Well, the first step is to get comfortable in your own skin and accept yourself the way you are, infact love yourself although that doesnt mean one shouldnt strive to become a better person. Its just that if you believe in yourself, if you take charge and control of your own moods, morale, happiness, confidence,will power ,conviction and faith, you free yourself from needing others to give these all to you. Hence, you dont care about returns. Secondly, give to those who you are sure wont or cant return the gesture or act.That way, you will train yourself to settle for a one way deal and when and if returns come, they'd be a pleasant surprise, a welcome gesture but certainly not the driving force behind your 'giving streak.'Thirdly, make a conscious effort to give from the moment you start your day. It's as if you have a basketful of treats to distribute to all you meet and your success is in returning with the basket empty, the goodies all shared with the people you met that day. Trust me, you will sleep a happy, content person. Fourthly, focus on the positives of everyone you meet be it your hot tempered boss or your mean spirited neighbour. The more you appreciate their qualities, the more you boost their morale and spirit, the better will be the results for you. Lastly, develop compassion and understanding for those who are stingy in giving, for they may have a life more difficult, harsher than yours that dampened their spirit of giving and they just couldnt find it in themselves to give even a smile, a pat, a hug or a word of praise and encouragement. Yes, they may give you smirks, criticism, doubt, discouraging remarks but what else does one give others than what one has! Show them there are better things that one person can give to another!

We've all heard the quotation that 'its better to give than to receive.' I always thought it was meant as a consolation and an encouragement otherwise how can one feel better in giving than receiving? However, I now understand that we mistook 'trading' for giving. We never really 'gave' in the true sense of the word but traded our deeds and acts for returns and thus, never tasted the pleasures of giving for the sake of giving. Im sure it will be as rewarding as we have always been told, and what better way to find out than to try it out yourself!

ساتھ

ساتھ 

وہ  ساتھ ہمارا برسوں کا 

جب فکر و غم کا ہوش نہ  تھا 

جب بن وجہ کہ  ہنستے تھے

جب جی چاہا رو لیتے تھے 

جب ساتھ تھا ایسے لوگوں کا

 جو ہم سے دل کی کہتے تھے 

جو ہمارے من کی سنتے تھے  

یوں لگتا تھا نہ بدلے گا

یہ ساتھ، یوں رونا ہنسنا سب 

پر وقت نے ہم سے چھین لیا 

ان لمحوں کو، ان ساعتوں کو   

فرصت ہی  کہاں ہے ان دنوں 

کچھ دیر بیٹھ جانے کی

 کچھ دکھ درد سنانے کی 

کچھ دل کی باتیں کہنے کی 

کچھ من کا حال سنانے کی 

یوں ہی ماہ و برس بیت گۓ 

یوں ہی موسم اپنی چال چلے 

یوں ہی لمحہ لمحہ  خواب ہوا 

یوں ہی دور ہم سے میت گۓ 

پر آج جو تم ساتھ بیٹھے ہو 

من اپنا یوں بھر آیا ہے 

  کہ چاہتے ہیں سب که ڈالیں  

سب آنسو  آج ہی رو ڈالیں 

بہت دن ھوے خود کو دیکھے

     آج اپنا آپ ہی  دیکھ  ڈالیں    

        پھر کیا جانیں ہم ملیں نہ ملیں       

  پھر کیا جانیں فرصت ہی نہ ھو

        

Everyone needs a Rahbar in their life! (part 1)

If you are looking for an opportunity for social service but have time and commitment issues, Rahbar is just the thing for you. Only 7 Saturdays, 4-5 hours each time and you have an amazing experience to cherish for a long time, and if all goes as well as it did for me, you'd definitely want to come back for some more.

I first heard about Rahbar from a friend of mine who works in Coke and had attended Rahbar on behalf of her company. Rahbar is a program by TCF, a Pakistani based NGO that has pledged to provide quality education to the financially struggling segment of the society, literally picking kids off the streets and putting into their schools. TCF today humbly boasts of over a 1000 campuses across Pakistan and has strong network of support at home and abroad. When you hear about the story of TCF, you cannot help feeling inspired from the commitment and sincerity of the team behind it whose vision is to provide quality education to the economically weak, their motto being, why poor schools for poor kids!

While the academic aspect is efficiently managed, it was realized that character building is an avenue that also needed to be worked upon. Here Id like to clarify that if this point gives you any misleading impression, there's nothing wrong with these kids that they would need a special course on personality grooming. They are like your average school going kid, just more lucky! I say that because I believe personality grooming is an aspect that is highly neglected in our system, one that focuses mainly on grades and results but these kids are lucky to go through this amazing program. Yes, at times some kids have issues like loss of a parent, family politics,  lack of communication with parents, lack of confidence, objection in pursuit of higher education, bad company or influence but if you really think about it, any kid can have these issues. So if you go out there thinking you will bring about a revolution, you may or you may not. What I can guarantee though is that if you really put your heart and soul into it, you will not only sow seeds of thought, positivity and change into their minds but would come back with a new perspective to happiness, life and success yourself, a perspective where none of these would seem unachievable.

Rahbar is a' Mentorship program aimed at the development of youth as responsible individuals and productive members of the society'. How do we do that? Well, for starters, we commit and we stand by it!All it takes is 7 Saturdays,4 -5 hours each time, going to a TCF campus and mentoring grade 9 and 10 students. Though it sounds quite easy, yet when one commits for volunteer work, the commitment level gets shaky at times and people act as if they are doing a huge favor by just showing up! It is all how you look at it! Once when I used example of an irregular co-mentor to justify to miss a session, my husband brought me to senses,"Are you doing this for yourself or her? Isn't it her loss that she is missing the experience? Your doing the same will not make you feel any better!" He was absolutely right! So, the first tip is to join in with full dedication and energy irrespective of the morale of others. Yes, it helps to have a charged up team but be the team in yourself when others don't live up to it without holding any grudges against them.

TCF has pick up points in major areas of the city like Defence, Abid market, Shaukat khanum etc and provides pick and drop facility to these points to the volunteers, taking them to TCF campuses across the city in their own vans. Volunteers come from varied age groups and backgrounds and that is what makes the experience so diverse and rich. 

The program is designed beautifully where you get to know the students on a personal level, sharing your own life with them to make them comfortable enough to share theirs and along the way, you realize and observe your own weaknesses and theirs, how you may have stopped appreciating the little joys of life and how they have more to be thankful for than they realize!You start off with getting to know the kids, their interests, family, siblings, good and bad habits and so on. it doesn't come easy. While they are in awe of the bajis and bhais who have come to spend time with them, their eyes sparkling with excitement, they dont
want to give any negative impression and so are, at times reluctant to share their weak side. However, when you begin being honest about yourself, your mistakes as
daughters, your selfishness and impatience as sisters, a slight smile of understanding begins to appear on their lips as if they know what you mean and realize how they tend to do the same at times. Being the eldest, middle, youngest or only child seems to make a difference and it helps to know it to understand them better. Knowing what it feels to be a daughter and a mother, I could tell them what goes in the heart and mind of both. Ami may say shes
not hungry just because she wants you to eat to your hearts content. She may not say it, but she would love a hug and a kiss once in a while. She may be upset, not at you but because she is tired but doesn't want to admit it and would calm down the second you take that bucket load of laundry from her and wash it yourself. And while we talked about
all this, we were listening to ourselves too, and realized how wrong we had been on so many instances. It was a bitter sweet realization that made us want to
rush over and hug our moms and thank them for all they had done and borne for us!

Brands Attack!!!!!

Profits are everything today. Profits fall down, companies resort to all sorts of tactics to get them uphill, from changing just the packaging to offering deals of 20% extra and what not!!! Some even claim to turn you into tiger if you eat their product!!! But this technique works on mature, adult consumers too although the strategy may vary a little. Recently a few quite famous companies have taken a very noble approach to increase their sales; they are selling the idea of goodness and charity, associating/selling their black drink with a mystical noor-e-khuda playing in the background. for a second one is confused at the connection or link that is being attempted to establish. A literally black drink is used to establish an indirect analogy with Noor-e-Khuda? Am I to drink this unhealthy-proven drink and assume that I'm doing something noble? Can i not just do something noble without putting my own health and well being at stake? Why do i have to fall for this to feel spiritual? And why are so many well educated media icons endorsing this brand? Similarly some fried chicken brand tempts you to buy their bucket so you can donate a small amount to an NGO! Next you know, tobacco companies will come with a campaign to donate Rs.1 to cancer patients on sale of one pack of cigarettes!! While there is nothing wrong in offering such noble deals, what product are they being offered with is very important to understand. It is a known fact that many who manufacture, sell, promote and advertise a product are themselves not user of the product as they know the various hazards it may cause them be it beauty products, food items or any drug. Then why fool the consumer into thinking it is going to bring a revolution of happiness, success and fulfillment in his life!

Isn't that sort of cheating and lying, something we are meant to consider wrong? Then how does it become right when adorned with all the glitter and glam of the corporate world? Doesn't the consumer have a right to know what exactly is 'in' the product that you are offering to sell instead of painting a vague and hazy picture of happiness and goodness? Spare me the names of all the fancy stuff (Monosodium Glutamate,Sodium Phosphates.Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Sodium Bicarbonate, Monocalcium Phosphate,carbonated water, phosphoric acid)and tell me in lay man terms what will this do to my system and how will it actually make my life better?Whats in it for me? And if the truth is too harsh and bitter, then think of what it is doing to the millions out there using your product. Poison doesn't become honey by changing just its name!!

I often wonder if it were made mandatory for these companies to use their own product, would they still be so profit driven, or would their own health and wellness account for something! Isnt it human to offer others what you would like for your own self too, then how and when did the corporate world get so blind to this very basic ethic and value of humanity? When did profits start meaning everything! And then I wonder if they are all in it together, if somehow those who sell the illness also sell the treatment and cure, if the villain is the hero and the hero is the villain too, if all this goes deeper than the naive understanding and imagination of the everyday consumer! I remember a great tip I learned from an online course I was taking. It said, before buying something, read the list of ingredients on the label. If the list makes sense to you like salt, pepper, sugar, dried herbs, etc, it is safe but if it is something that sounds alien, think twice!

Never underestimate the power of love!

pakistani parents are afraid about their kids becoming spoiled(bachay bigar jain gai!) don't love too much, don't do so much lolo pocho, don't be so mushy mushy, bachay bigar jain gai. However, I've observed and learned that kids don't get spoiled by love, they get spoiled by weak discipline and resolve of the parents. If parents don't take action when is necessary, if they don't establish some basic code of ethics and then follow through, yes kids get spoiled, even if you scold or beat them quite regularly too. However, if you keep a smooth sail and reprimand them gently but firmly about their behaviour or attitude, you are bound to see improvement. Someone said a very wise thing once, parenting is more about what not to do than about what to do. Mostly we parents misunderstand our rights and duties as a parent. We try to decide EVERYTHING for our kids, from what they will eat to what they will wear to what they will become and that can be quite suffocating, not to mention, dependence driven. For instance, in summers, yes your kid cant wear the long winter boots or the woollen coat but if she wants to wear her eid dress from last year, why not let her! I learned this when once my daughter was arguing about her dress with me. I wanted her to wear one and she wanted to wear another and my mother in law said, "Why not let her wear what she wants?" and I realized,"Yeah why not!" I was unconsciously imposing my will on her on a matter where it wasn't required. From that day on, I let her wear what she liked(mostly!;)), even let her buy the glittery shoes she wanted to get, controlling my facial expressions as her eyes sparked with joy at trying those multicolored sandals! But yes, it was good to give her the right to choose and it did give her a lot of confidence and joy and now as a sit and reflect upon the whole event, perhaps it gave her a sense of freedom and independence too. Just made me realize that there is so much that we can give our kids apart from material things like love, confidence, choice, encouragement, trust, space,independence, happiness!

Having said that, I, in no way mean that we shouldn't check and discipline our kids when circumstances call for it. My kids are far from perfect but when their TV time is up, its up. I turn off the TV and very politely tell them to engage in some other activity like cycling, crafts, reading or drawing. They may argue and resist but I try not to lose my cool and without forcing, let them be until they themselves realize that there is no way out of it and look for something they find interesting.

The secret is to stay calm I believe. If you raise your voice, they will raise theirs, such mirrors they are honestly. I have a habit of keeping my hair open and all 3 daughters of mine refuse to get their hair tied. I wonder where they got it from:$

Sometimes however, they start on a high note themselves, like throwing a tantrum about what they wanted to have for lunch. If at the moment, I stay composed and politely tell them that such behavior is not acceptable and they will be listened to only when they speak kindly, the heat drops remarkably. Cant help remembering the principal of our college,Ms. Mira Phailbus who always used to say'polite but firm.' Didn't know it would come in so handy!

Scolding and hitting a child may seem to work, but only for the short term. Also kids lose respect for someone who doesn't respect them. Unfortunately in our society, parenting is left in the hands of amateurs, what else are we before our first born! We learn through trial and error but this is not a machine that can be fixed so easily. It is a persons life, his chance for a happy and confident life and many times parents ruin it, not intentionally but because that was the only way they had seen it being done and didn't learn otherwise.

Thankfully we are blessed to have amazing parents who did their best to raise us well and we can use their example to raise our kids but alongwith that, I find it really helpful to read books on parenting and raising kids as there are so many challenges we parents have to face and so many dimensions to parenting; raising an only child, difference in eldest, middle child and youngest, gender variation in kids, sibling issues, use of threats and comparisons amongst kids, how much is too much when it comes to parenting.

ill leave you with a little food for thought; if your child does something wrong, don't say 'you are a bad boy' say 'you are a good boy but you have done a bad thing!'

Take a break...

take a break n tell your kid to go 

dadi k payr dabao

dada ko akhbar sunao

aba sai football khelo

ma ka ja k hath batao

rabb sai bhe kuch baat karo

apna haal ahwaal sunao

nangay paaon ghaas pe chalo

falak sai aankh milao

taroon ki baraat ko dekho

pholoon ko humraaz banao

chiriyoon ko dana dalo

billi ko doodh pilao,

apni jannat sai bahar niklo

insaanoon mai ghul mil jao

yateem aur mazoor bhi hain

Kash k yeh tum jaan bhee pao

iss sehat daulat k jug mai

aur bhe hain jo tum say nahe

per unki khushiyaan dai de hain rabb nai

Tum ko k tum thama k aao

k thamo gay tum haath jo unka, 

toh jano gay k tum kuch bhee nahi,

ye toh  rabb ki baant hai aur bus, 

kuch khud sai diya, kuch tum sai sahi, 

per tum ye jano toh baat hai tabb, 

kya tum jano gai nahi...

Gems and Jewels

 Sadaf Sajid:  I've realized we give our girls dreams that may not come true. Like u can become an astronaut n what not

 Sadaf Sajid: Girls boys are equal
 Sadaf Sajid: But they have commitments that demand otherwise
 Sadaf Sajid: Like kids n home
 Sadaf Sajid: How do we balance the dream n reality
 Sadaf Sajid: Our edu system acts blind to this reality
 Sadaf Sajid: N work places too
 Tcf Leenah: How many boys who want to become astronauts become astronauts?
 Tcf Leenah: The ratio of un-met goals isn't starkly different between the genders.
 Sadaf Sajid: Hmm
 Tcf Leenah: The problem is that we, in an attempt to make future a pretty sight for the kids, create an alternate reality world.
 Tcf Leenah: Our job is not to provide them with dreams. Our role is to make them understand the virtue of commitment and the honesty of act.
 Tcf Leenah: Whatever they do, be it flying a spaceship or raising a toddler while plucking cotton in a cotton field, do that knowing fully well that you're doing your best.
 Sadaf Sajid: No we don't give dreams
 Sadaf Sajid: They share their dreams but they should know that they may not happen n how to handle the disappointment
 Tcf Javeria: So true Ms. Leenah
 Tcf Leenah: The problem is that we place our goals outside ourselves :)

Jobs. Careers. Position. Status. 

These are, at best, the addendums. Whenever we encourage children to dream in terms of these we put a limit on their potential as a human.
 Sadaf Sajid: Plz keep going this is helping
 Sadaf Sajid: 😊
 Tcf Javeria: All we need to teach them is that to be a good human being. Which incorporates what Ahsan sahab told me: "Jaisa Allah se salook chahtay ho. Uski makhlooq k sath bhi waisa salook rakho."

Meaning you are a good and successful human without a degree, without your parents, without a job, if you know the difference b/w right and wrong and on their way to become a better person you uplift others as well.
 Tcf Javeria: Life shall go on without money, parents and education...what will be left behind is what we did in this world and how it affected others. Once our children are strong in this basic knowledge....whatever they do in their life will turn to gold.
 Tcf Leenah: Our Prophet, whom we call the best sample of a human, tied his own shoes. Washed his own clothes. Ate nothing but dates dipped in water. Wiped his blood when the body was pelted with stones. 


Where were the dreams? Did he not have any dreams?  

He had. And his were like we should have ours - he was assigned a job, he HAD to do it to the fullest of his capacity.
 Tcf Leenah: If they have dreams to fly high, it is beautiful. 

Tell them to grow their roots first. So that one day if the wings can't take the pressure of the opposing gale, they don't fall face down.
 Tcf Javeria: He did his assigned tasks With compassion, Humility and respect
 Tcf Leenah: And this can only be done when their strength comes not from their target residing far away in future, but from the character they're harboring right now.
 Tcf Leenah: Exactly Javaria. True.
 Tcf Leenah: I had a friend who couldn't get into medical college. She spent 4 years coming to terms with the set back.
 Tcf Leenah: The point is, how good is the dream of becoming a certain professional when ander ka insan is so vulnerable? :)

Ander ka insan strong karna asal issue hai. Professional qualifications, for girls as well as boys, come second.
 Tcf Leenah: Quality of the person, that is our only reality. 
Make the reality strong and dreams will mould themselves around.
 Tcf Leenah: Does it help clarify anything Sadaf?
 Sadaf Sajid: More than that
 Sadaf Sajid: Jazak Allah

 Tcf Leenah: :) I'm glad. 

The first hero speaker I listened to at my first Rahbar cycle had shared something that I  find absolutely beautiful ....


He said that his father had always taught him one thing, that if everything in life fails and he - the son, ends up with nothing but a "گنے کے رس کا ٹھیلا" (gannay kay rus ka Thaila), his should be the best drink serving Thaila of the town. 

Dil ka rus nikalna, ganna samajh kar; the old man had taught his son.
 Tcf Leenah: I loved it. :)

how much should we feel??

it's the whole consumerism culture I think that celebrates individuality n personal growth that is destroying us, be it gadgets, cars, lawn.shoes, bags or dining out, we don't see any reason to keep it simple if we can afford not to!

I get confused whether our lifestyle is justified with the state the rest of our people live in. How much are we supposed to feel for them???? when kids die in thar, does my dining out seem fair !!!!