When your own Bully you....!

Until I had researched on it, I always thought bullying was something strangers did to you. However it was shocking and hurtful to find that bullying can be done by your own loved ones(family and friends), all in the name of love, without the least bit of guilt or shame. Infact the one bullied is further criticized as being too feeble to not take a few jokes in good stride! 

A child is a complete human being, fully equipped with a functioning mind and heart, that sees, hears, understands and interprets, maybe more than we'd like to believe. However, many a times, children are taken non seriously, even as a source of entertainment by adults who derive amusement from teasing and taunting them and whats worse is that if the kid reacts, it is taken as a sign of being too fragile and bad-sport.

I'd like to share one such instance where a younger child was constantly being tickled by her elder cousin who paid no heed to her protests and when the younger cousin finally hit her in frustration, the elder called her ill mannered and boring. It was difficult to make the elder one understand that although she may be younger, she is a free person and has full choice of how she'll like to be treated and this freedom and choice of her should be respected. However, the statement, "So what if I tickled her? She didnt have to overreact like that, maybe she needs a lesson or two in manners!" was passed very confidently. While many may not realize it, this is a perfect example of bullying where the bully is not only unaware but also refuses to take any responsibility for the entire situation. He, very casually, teases or calls names to someone younger or weaker than him, causing humiliation or discomfort, and then when the younger one explodes or reacts, he blames him for being too mushy and aggressive. Those around, if raised in the same unhealthy environment, also see nothing wrong with it, but on the contrary find a protest against it weird and over protective!

Bullying is a term that is most commonly associated with school environment where mostly some sort of physical abuse like pushing, cornering or other forceful actions are involved but it also includes emotional and mental bullying which can be even more damaging as it can be in practise by your own friends or family without them or even you realizing it. One fears danger and threat more from outside than from his own loved and trusted ones and that is why, when your own family bullies and belittles you, calling you names, bringing up embarrassing past events, dampening your moment of joy with guilt and shame, making fun of your appearance, intellect or talent, the damage can be disastrous! If such bullying comes from your own loved ones, it is bound to put you in doubt of your own self and your self worth. If some stranger does it, you will find comfort in the fact that he may be just a mean person by nature, but if someone you love and respect does it, it is bound to hurt you even more and so much deeper, leaving permanent marks on your personality! Often parents, siblings and other relatives justify all this as their way of expressing love and affection and complain if the child doesn't take it with grace. They may ridicule and mock the kid, touch the chord they know will make the most sound and then further ruin it by labeling him as a sob story (ye kuch zada he nazuk hai, itna sa mazaak bardassht nahe hota!)

Bullying can occur at any age and in any relation. Sometimes, just for the fun of it, relatives, cousins or even parents tease a child by not letting him have the toy he wants. They bring it forward and then when he is about to grab it, they pull it back. What may be their idea of fun appears totally sick and annoying to the child who is bound to react with cries and wails. If this pattern continues, the child makes it his habit and grows up to exercise the same with younger kids, finding it totally okay and harmless, infact most amusing! It can be extremely difficult to stop it as those (parents) who should be stopping it are the ones casually doing it, more because, "He's my kid, i can say or do to him as i please!" Well, while he may be your kid, he is not your property. If your child says or shows that he doesn't like being teased, don't tease him! Just because you are a parent doesnt mean you can do as u please. You too are bound by the commands of Allah, even in parenting! Moreover, imagine the damage it would do to his 'self' to see that his own parent doesn't hold him in much regard, Yes, I believe kids want to be respected not ridiculed. In spiritual terms, physically we may appear small, but the rooh is born mature, n stays the same age all our life! So what we want as adults, we pretty much want that as kids too!

Many times kids who are bullied become bullies themselves, spreading the same bitterness that they were fed. Sometimes entire families are in the habit of bullying and their favourite prey are those kids who are not accustomed to it as they are most likely to react. The mothers of such kids are put in a very tricky situation as when their child, who is not used to being treated as an emotionless toy reacts, their mothers are told to harden them up and teach them a thing or two about how to behave and take such nonsense with grace! The fault does not lie with her parenting but their mindset, that sees children as mere source of entertainment. She raised him as a complete person, who has his own likes and dislikes that he is used to being respected, who has his own strengths and weaknesses that he is used to being handled with sensitivity and care, who has his own will and choice that he is used to being listened to with compassion and understanding.

The fault lies with those who try to be overbearing and controlling, who get a high from his moment of low, who seek his weak spot and then hit upon it until it hurts bad, who consider it completely okay to have a good laugh at the expense of ridiculing and belittling him.They may have borne such bullying and have come to accept it as a cultural or social norm but it does not take rocket science to understand that if something brings tears to someones eyes or causes anger, frustration or embarrassment, it must hurt!

The next time you see another human being especially child,  (whether big,small, old, young, white, black, stranger, friend, literate, illiterate) just know that he is as much a human as you and deserves every bit of respect, sensitivity and freedom!

To put it in a nutshell, in the words of Sri Devi from English Vinglish, "Family can never be judgmental. Family will never put you down, will never make you feel small. Family is the only one who will never laugh at your weaknesses. Family is the only place where you will always get love and respect."