pakistani parents are afraid about their kids becoming spoiled(bachay bigar jain gai!) don't love too much, don't do so much lolo pocho, don't be so mushy mushy, bachay bigar jain gai. However, I've observed and learned that kids don't get spoiled by love, they get spoiled by weak discipline and resolve of the parents. If parents don't take action when is necessary, if they don't establish some basic code of ethics and then follow through, yes kids get spoiled, even if you scold or beat them quite regularly too. However, if you keep a smooth sail and reprimand them gently but firmly about their behaviour or attitude, you are bound to see improvement. Someone said a very wise thing once, parenting is more about what not to do than about what to do. Mostly we parents misunderstand our rights and duties as a parent. We try to decide EVERYTHING for our kids, from what they will eat to what they will wear to what they will become and that can be quite suffocating, not to mention, dependence driven. For instance, in summers, yes your kid cant wear the long winter boots or the woollen coat but if she wants to wear her eid dress from last year, why not let her! I learned this when once my daughter was arguing about her dress with me. I wanted her to wear one and she wanted to wear another and my mother in law said, "Why not let her wear what she wants?" and I realized,"Yeah why not!" I was unconsciously imposing my will on her on a matter where it wasn't required. From that day on, I let her wear what she liked(mostly!;)), even let her buy the glittery shoes she wanted to get, controlling my facial expressions as her eyes sparked with joy at trying those multicolored sandals! But yes, it was good to give her the right to choose and it did give her a lot of confidence and joy and now as a sit and reflect upon the whole event, perhaps it gave her a sense of freedom and independence too. Just made me realize that there is so much that we can give our kids apart from material things like love, confidence, choice, encouragement, trust, space,independence, happiness!
Having said that, I, in no way mean that we shouldn't check and discipline our kids when circumstances call for it. My kids are far from perfect but when their TV time is up, its up. I turn off the TV and very politely tell them to engage in some other activity like cycling, crafts, reading or drawing. They may argue and resist but I try not to lose my cool and without forcing, let them be until they themselves realize that there is no way out of it and look for something they find interesting.
The secret is to stay calm I believe. If you raise your voice, they will raise theirs, such mirrors they are honestly. I have a habit of keeping my hair open and all 3 daughters of mine refuse to get their hair tied. I wonder where they got it from:$
Sometimes however, they start on a high note themselves, like throwing a tantrum about what they wanted to have for lunch. If at the moment, I stay composed and politely tell them that such behavior is not acceptable and they will be listened to only when they speak kindly, the heat drops remarkably. Cant help remembering the principal of our college,Ms. Mira Phailbus who always used to say'polite but firm.' Didn't know it would come in so handy!
Scolding and hitting a child may seem to work, but only for the short term. Also kids lose respect for someone who doesn't respect them. Unfortunately in our society, parenting is left in the hands of amateurs, what else are we before our first born! We learn through trial and error but this is not a machine that can be fixed so easily. It is a persons life, his chance for a happy and confident life and many times parents ruin it, not intentionally but because that was the only way they had seen it being done and didn't learn otherwise.
Thankfully we are blessed to have amazing parents who did their best to raise us well and we can use their example to raise our kids but alongwith that, I find it really helpful to read books on parenting and raising kids as there are so many challenges we parents have to face and so many dimensions to parenting; raising an only child, difference in eldest, middle child and youngest, gender variation in kids, sibling issues, use of threats and comparisons amongst kids, how much is too much when it comes to parenting.
ill leave you with a little food for thought; if your child does something wrong, don't say 'you are a bad boy' say 'you are a good boy but you have done a bad thing!'
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